February 19, 2012
just for the funzies

I’m honestly too tired to write anything coherent, but I’m in a pensive mood. A bunch of thoughts really, and many of which I’m gonna share.

There’s a lot of sad people in the world right now, and I’m talking about the people I know back at home. It’s disappointing. I want to say something about this, but really anything pertaining to “be happy” is redundant. So I’m going to say this:

Nothing really matters in your life this instant except my post that you are now reading. And I promise, after you’re done reading, you can go back to being sad.

Good. 

Now go back to being sad.

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Just kidding! Now that would be rude.

The main course today: How to get girls to like you! Like really, bro. like REALLY like you. panties wet and everything [that comes before that, like hugging, kissing, holding hands, doing peek-a-boo cover your eyes shit from behind, you know, that middle school stuff).

Part of the dtd pledge is memorizing the golden information you’re just about to read:

1. If you want a ditzy girl, be like “YO BETSY, gimme sum of yo meat!”

And if she passes the meat loaf…well, you’re in luck, arent you?

Other than that, everything is much, much more complicated, so hang tight:

2. Girls love guys who wear sperrys. That’s why frat boys pull all the chicks. Guys will look “cute” in them. That’s why girls say they don’t end up with douches, but do.

3. It’s scientifically and statistically proven that if you have a 6 pack, you’re 57% more likely to get laid. So for a guy like me, my chances go from -57% to 0%. But take the hint, I have a six pack.

4. If you don’t have a six pack (and are a lightweight…ahaha…) you can go buy one (with a fake of course). You’ll pull you’re head outta youre ass and drop your standards. bam.

5. but anyway, to finish, if you do have a 6 pack. play a sport. ladies like guys who mess with balls. imagine how hot you’re 6 pack would be once you get to takeoff your shirt after scoring an upper 90 or dunking on ninjas. just fantasize about it for a bit.

6. You’re trying approach a chick at the club/frat party/dance floor: 

  • you tap her on the shoulder (0:0 chill to pull, awkward dude, probably a math major)
  • hand on hips/too close to ass (1:0 chill to pull, high school dropout, or someone who doesn’t go to college. you know that cool kid back in high school who thinks he can pull)
  • hand right below bra strap, lean over, she sees your chest. (4:4 chill to pull. class, and arousing. subtly yet demanding)
  • dont ask, just grind (5:5 chill to pull - aka MCCOY, dtd requirement)

7. Money. Honestly, girls love guys with lots of $$$. To put it into perspective. Guys are as attracted to girls for their looks as girls are attracted to guys for their money. It’s simple and intuitive econ: supply and demand. she demands, you gotta supply.

8. Intelligence. really? yes really. WHAT KIND OF GIRL WANTS TO DATE A DUMBASS? a lot of them, but they’re not worth your time. Sometime’s you gotta pull out tha duke card….

No, thats stupid. Just be a little impressive, and interesting. The longer you can hold the conversation, the better she can see how smart you are. The 30 second rule. 

9. And with intelligence comes memory. please remember what a girl tells you. im speaking from experience.

10. And have a badass name, like Jaquan, Hunter, Tyson, etc.

And there you go, dtd material.

If that plan is too comprehensive, or you don’t think you’re qualified in partaking that plan, don’t fret.

confidence.

so brooks - my friend - (or anyone else *raj*) just go up to them (hopefully both of you collectively) and be like:

"my name’s brooks"

and

"my name’s Bharadwaj Sundara-Vinkata Raja-Pingali”

have a little chat. not necessarily small talk per say, but just a talk. 

you know

just for the funzies.

no need to worry…no nervousness…no nothing…

dont think about anything else…

its just for the funzies

just for the funzies.

just for the funzies

…now you can go back to being sad if you really, really want to.

you know

be sad

just for the funzies

  1. brooksiano reblogged this from colonelcaboose
  2. mrwthepoet said: Lmfao. Expert Stuff. What is dtd?
  3. wombatticus said: iloveu
  4. thirdshiftcliff said: what is dtd?
  5. colonelcaboose posted this