I have never felt so natural before, just enjoying the kite festival with Alan. After unsuccessfully flying the kite, I just laid in the soft grass (Note: There’s shitty grass, which is probably in your backyard. Then there’s good grass, which is located in the parks of Austin). I gazed blissfully [not giving two shits about my compsci project] into the sky spotted with the kites of different shapes and sizes.
Then there’s this girl. Yes, this girl. She calls me.
"There’s so many people here. Where are you?"
"I’m just laying here…you know…in the grass near the river." <-dumbass
"Well, I’m going to go to the top of the hill, so you can see me."
So I saw her ”Alright I see you! Come down.”
"Wait! Where are you?"
So I surprised her, with the kite inadvertently tangled on me.
We sat and talked. Nothing more. It actually got cold and windy for a bit, and she mentioned it like a lot…was I supposed to hold her and cuddle? God damn, I feel as perplexed as back in 7th grade: was I supposed to hold Carla’s hand in the hallway? Damn.
Ok, later that day. I ruined our relationship or friendship or whatever it was through a single text. Apparently I “vomited” words on her.
I did the logical thing and went for a run around my hood. It was dark outside, and you just sort of lose yourself. You know? Whenever I get exhausted while running, I imagine that I’m outrunning “weaker” versions of me. There I am…hundreds of yards behind me. Crawling on my knees, wounded and trying to get up. Then there I am again only so far behind me now. Exhausted and standing there with my hands on my knees and panting. Then there I am again, maybe a yard or two behind me. Trying to keep up with me. Arms flinging widly as if I’m trying to win a race. But then there’s me. I’m not phased, and all that’s left of me…is just me: the better me.
So I tell myself I’m not phased. I’m pumped and ready to start on my homework for the break. But I can’t get myself to do it. I get so sidetracked. I’m telling a lot of my friends the “text”: jay (and manny), raj, tim, brooks, jeffrey, my sister. They always got my back.
I feel bit guilty though.
I pretty much ruined her feelings for the rest of the week. I pretty much didn’t consider the fact that she had three midterms this coming week, so way to go for potentially fucking up a third of her grade. And I pretty much just wasted her time….
I smothered a flower.
Then again, it’s too easy to succumb to your feelings. Sure it may be my fault, but then again…woop de do Captain Obv[ious], how is that fixing anything?
Then I thought: Duke lost 88-70 to UNC a couple of nights ago. Like shit. Yeah, they may have lost the biggest game of the season, but I’m pretty positive Coach K and the players didn’t blame each other.
"The best part about tonight is that it isn’t over.”
They know they have a second chance.
They hit the gym and the track the next day. With conviction, they refined their skills to be as sharp as a razor’s edge.
But then I laugh at myself. I’m a silly, immature boy. I can’t work hard the next day to fix things. I can’t hit the gym or run ten miles (yes like I usually do…lol). I can’t practice scales on my french horn as I did in high school. I can’t study or retest. I can’t practice my already shitty shot in soccer nor can I practice my marching. Hard work isn’t going to fix this relationship. It’s just not relevant.
I guess that means I’m going to be living an irrelevant life. I can sit there and have the world mock me. It may not make sense. But if I aint letting my grades get the best of me, I aint letting this girl get the best of me either.
So yes, she may hate me. She may question why I’m just so unbelievably retarded. And yes, worst of all we may never talk ever again.
I feel like I’m in one of those sitcoms like Friends. There’s so much drama between Rachel and Ross and a little less between Monica and Chandler, and just randomness from Joey and Phoebe. They were so important in each others’ lives… It’s really, really sad to see them all leave their apartments and split ways.
I don’t want to believe that, however. Supposedly, people come and people go. They say that once you leave high school you move on to your college friends. And once you leave college you move on to your annoying ass coworkers and hubby or wifey. And then you move on to your children, and your grandchildren…and so on and so forth.
So yes, you may be angrier than I am. And hate me more than I hate you. Sure, I’ll take the blame. It doesn’t really matter though. Because either way I’m going to salvage every little bit of what was left.
Was it my fault that I left for Duke? Sure. Sure it was my fault that the last day had to come: That last night while we ate at Chuys. That night when Brooks took me home. It may have been a sad night, and it may have been more emotional for my friends than it may have been for me.
And now you’re confused. You’re like Benson, what does going to Duke have anything to do with sending a retarded text message? Well in the outcome of either case, I “lack common sense”. I might be afraid of losing you…each and everyone one of you.
but like said statement, you shouldn’t always succumb to your feelings.
I know that deep inside, if I dig deep and work hard - apparently the only thing I know how to do - everything will be ok. And I go to bed not with a heavy heart, but with a warm feeling:
"The best part about tonight is that it isn’t over."